No Words

Saturday, January 21, 2012
1:06 AM in Washington, 8:06 PM at home

Several people have asked me if I'm going to continue my blog.  A few have told me I need to write something new.  But I can't describe all that I went through and all that I'm am going through now because of it.  I have longed to talk with people about my experiences, but have found that I can't, because there are just no words.  So I just say nothing.

Believe me, I have wanted to.  I have been "home" for almost eight months now, but I don't even know what that word means to me anymore, unless it means Heaven.  I have come to realize I will never again be satisfied in this life, on this planet.  Through God's grace, I can learn to be content, but my heart will never be satisfied.  I will never be able to be two places at once.  I will never again be able to feel surrounded by all those I love dearest, for they are scattered across the globe or passed away.  I will never likely be able to easily go between my beloved Pacific Northwest and my enchanted Pacific Islands. 

If home is where the heart is, then I'm not even sure where home is, since pieces of my heart are living on in my students wherever they are, and I don't have contact with more than a handful of them. 

Don't mistake me for being depressed - I'm not.  I'm not even sad most of the time.  Sometimes I feel guilty for not hurting more about it, as if I were moving on to fast.  But no.  I am where I am meant to be.  Still can't see the total picture, only parts of the map, but from what the Mapmaker told me, where we're going sounds pretty amazing. 

The Voice who called me to camp, the Voice who called me to Pohnpei, is the same Voice that called me back to where I am now, and is reassuring me that this is all part of the plan.  I know what my purpose is now.  I don't know to what extent it will reach, but I know it's my calling.  I don't know what exactly I'm waiting for, but I know it's worth the awi.  I know there are things I need to complete before I can go back, and the more education classes I take, the more I know I needed to come back and learn these skills to be more effective in teaching those I want to help.  And even if I have to stay here for a number of years to pay off my school loans before I can go back, I know it's for a reason - so that I can build up skills and experience in order to be a better teacher when I go back. 

There's no doubt in my mind that I'm supposed to go back.  The Voice told me that much.  It's just a matter of when.  But the Voice didn't tell me that, because He doesn't speak to me in words.  Which used to be frustrating for me.  Because for the last six months I have been wrestling with questions, and answers that I don't always understand, and trying to heal as I go through this grieving process (and yes, coming back has been exactly that), but I have struggled to find words to express myself.  There are none.  No words can express what last year meant to me, no words can explain how much it changed me, and no words can decribed what a passion it has stirred up in my life and what I want to accomplish in the future.  And with all my soul-searching and desparate questioning of God, I have wished to hear words, to have it described to me how I'm going to go back and when, so I'll know for sure.  But God hasn't chosen to answer me like that.  Instead, His Voice just settles within me.  And that's something I have no words for either.